The Beaver's Out of Home Life
by Jasmine Jacobs
Summary: Mr. Beaver is So Confused as to why his wife is acting so weird. What is going on? if this makes any sense, something is wrong. :)
1. Confusion for Mr Beaver

Chapter One: Confusion for Mr. Beaver

Mr. Beaver hummed a quiet tune to himself as he skidded across the ice that surrounded the large wood pile that in reality was a very neat and orderly beaver dam.

"Whoops!" he chuckled as his paw slipped farther down the stream. He regained his balance and began to slide gracefully toward the opening on the side, just big enough to squeeze a fully grown beaver through.

He dodged a stray stick that would have poked his back and muttered, "Got to have that fixed." He resumed his song and burst into the living room with a cheerful, "I'm home, Mrs. Beaver!" he started to recount what a fine day it was when he caught sight of Mrs. Beaver.

Mr. Beaver stared open mouthed at his wife. "Hello? Mrs. Beaver? What's wrong?" He crossed the room to where she leaned against the wall, in a dazed state. He was only about to say the simplest of things, the weather and of course, the always required report regarding his innocent game of pool, but with her startling reaction, he became worried that she suspected the truth; that is was more than an innocent game of pool.

As he came edging nearer, Mrs. Beaver suddenly sprang up and began to collect dangerous implements from hiding places he had no idea even existed, except for behind the third loose plank to the side of the washer, and gave a small sigh of relief that he had removed his stash of-that wasn't important. What was important was that his wife was bundling all of the previously hidden firearms into a small bag. He watched in disbelief as the mouser rifle that was quite possibly taller than he, slipped in the bag without the smallest of hitches.

Mrs. Beaver pushed her furry paw to her ear, listening intently to the whispers that emanated from under her hand. Mr. Beaver gaped as she pulled a bulletproof vest from nowhere and snapped it on, slipping a pair of dark eyeglasses over her muzzle.

She turned to her husband and spoke in a harsh tone. "You saw none of this," she muttered, before she disappeared in a puff of smoke. Literal smoke.

Mr. Beaver slowly to the ground, whimpering. What was wrong with her? She was acting like…a…

Did she sign up for a job with a security team when he wasn't looking?

Yes. Yes she did.


	2. Mrs Beaver's Secret

Chapter Two: Mrs. Beaver's Secret

Mrs. Petunia Beaver darted swiftly across the softly falling snow. Although the White Witch was gone, Aslan having banished her, the seasons had taken a human view on their styles, so it was winter now, having just been autumn. She couldn't wait for spring again.

She has recently acquired a job of the most dangerous of natures. She was tired of being excused a fat old beaver. She was competent, and she was going to prove it to those silly guards that looks weren't everything. She may not be a lumbering thug, but she was quick on her feet and had a daring instinct.

A crackling sound filled her ears and she pressed a paw to the chip, hoping for better reception.

"Beaver, ma'am, we have a situation involving a pack of faeries-"

She sighed. "Rodney, it's Mrs. Beaver, please," she corrected him.

She could feel his blush through the communication line. "Sorry, Mrs. Beaver, ma'am. It's these faeries-sorry, it's_ Hippsta Faeries. _They're slugging people left and right, accusing them of breaking into their _crib._ Making a real mess of things, really. We were hoping you could help, being the only female on the force, and, well, they are a little particular about who they talk to right about now-"

_Crash!_

_BOOM!_

Mrs. Beaver exhaled quietly and turned off her chip, resuming her quick gait to Cair Paravel. This was going to be extremely annoying


	3. The Plot Thickens Without Mr Beaver Rea

Chapter Three-The Plot Thickens Without Mr. Beaver Realizing It

Mr. Beaver was not the type of beaver to run away from danger. This wasn't danger, though. It was utter surprise and shock.

"AAAHHH!"

He ran, screaming through the small house, burrowing himself under his feather pillow Lucy had provided him with not a month ago.

"AAAHHH! What is going ON here?!" he shrieked. A small blackbird paused for a moment before startling and flying off.

He sat up and tried his best to understand the situation. His wife had been trying to find a job recently, and when she had suggested a job in security, he had answered her with a firm 'nonononononono'.

A loud thumping entered his thoughts, quite rudely, he thought to himself.

"I'm coming, I tell you," he shouted, rubbing his temples. He slowly trudged up to the door, but before he could duck under the doorway, multiple hands seized him, tugging him out of his house.

"What? What's going on?" he demanded.

A snarl close to his ear responded in a sort of accent that would be hard to catch if it wasn't so close. He struggled to place the accent, for he had heard it before, but to no avail.

"You, little dude, and yer little dudette, are gonna pay, ya know?" it said, with a snicker. "If yer mate athinks she's gonna go without a fight, she's got another thing coming to her, ain't she?"

A chorus of laughs resounded in Mr. Beaver head as he placed the dreadful grammarless voice.

It was those dag-blasted _Hippsta Faeries._


	4. Mrs Beaver, Mr Beaver, and Their Band

Chapter Four-Mrs. Beaver, Mr. Beaver and Their Band of Thugs

Mrs. Beaver snorted with distaste. Those dag-blasted _Hippsta Faeries_ had snuck up on her without her knowing it. She had come in, with full intentions of acting all diplomaticy, but they hadn't givin her a chance before they jumped her.

"Little dudette, we got some-a news," one spoke to her with bravery, unflinchingly facing her Maximum Glare of Utter and Chaotic Doom any normal creature would writhe under. Never mind, she thought, as his eyelid gave the slightest twitch. Her power was sinking in.

"Anyways, dudette," he looked away after a few tense moments. "We've got yer little dude and we ain't gonna give 'im up fer a little stare like'in the one yer givin' me." He gestured to a struggling figure his men had dumped in a corner. Mrs. Beaver seethed.

There was nothing she could do right then, so Mrs. Beaver continued her glaring practice, enjoying her ability as she cranked it up to her specialty, the Oh, Now You're Going To Get It Glare into Your Miserable, Pathetic Soul.

Though she was tussled up like a wild turkey, Mrs. Beaver's mind was whirling. If she could alert Rodney of the on-goings without being too suspicious…

"Um, hello? Mr. Faerie," she began, turning on her chip's microphone with some difficulty. The nearest figure jumped down her throat.

"We're not 'Faeries'," he snarled angrily. "We're _Hippsta Faeries_. Ya got it?"

Mrs. Beaver nodded enthusiastically. "Of course. That's what I meant. Do you mind untying me any time soon? It's really uncomfortable, you see, especially being slammed against the wall so harshly-"

The _Hippsta Faerie_ laughed. "Of course not! What kina joke is this, then?"

Mrs. Beaver smiled pleasantly. "Oh, it's no joke. In fact, when Rodney gets here, you and I are going to have some words-"

A dark figure burst through the array of _Hippsta Faeries._ They exclaimed loudly and protested as the girl hit every single one of them in the face with the heel of her hand.

"Hello," she greeted casually. "Need any help?" she asked, as her squad of big, buff men barged through.

Queen Lucy the Valiant grinned madly and joined in the fray.


	5. Lucy Begs her Wonderfully Amazing Older

Chapter Five-Lucy Begs Her Wonderfully Amazing Brother for Help

Lucy cut down Mrs. Beaver's bonds and hauled her to her paws. "Alright, then? Let's see if we can sort out this mess," she invited.

They walked over to the squabbling gang of _Hippsta Faeries_, who quieted instantly upon the girls' arrival.

"But, Yer Majesty," one began. Another shushed him.

Lucy gave a few seconds of angry glaring to them before her composure cracked and she burst out laughing.

"I can't do it!" she chuckled. "It's too serious. I can't be-" she collapsed in a fit of giggles again.

The _Hippsta Faeries_ looked at each other in confusion. What was with this Little Dudette?

Lucy stood straight again. "I'm calm," she announced before chortling again. Clearing her throat, she excused herself with a, "I-I think I'll get Ed to help me with you guys. I-I just can't-"she gasped, disappearing around the corner.

The big buff guys, the Beavers, and the _Hippsta Faeries_ sat in uncomfortable silence.

"So, Tony," one guys asked another hesitantly. "How's it going?"


	6. The Wonderfully Amazing Brother Helps hi

Chapter Six-The Wonderfully Amazing Brother Helps His Totally Incompetent Sister

"Ed! Ed!"

Edmund looked up from his Unceasingly Large Stack of Official Documents Waiting To Be Acknowledged. He silently groaned as his eccentric little sister came rushing in at top speed.

"Ed! Ed! I've got these faeries-_Hippsta Faeries_-and I can't interrogate them because it's too funny!" she yelled.

Edmund raised an eyebrow and lowered it hastily before Lucy got too close to see. "So? What's it got to do with me?" he said gruffly.

"Well, I just thought you might want to get away from your Unceasingly Large Stack of Official Documents Waiting To Be Acknowledged, that's all." Lucy said innocently. "Also, you're the most amazing, most perfect older brother I'd ever want, and I thought you'd appreciate a chance to show me your Wonderfulness and Amazing Awesomeness that Oozes So Blatantly From Your Striking Image," she rushed.

Edmund sat up straighter. "Really? Alright, then, I'll come. But only because I need a break."

He stood and followed his sister out of the office and closed the door quietly, so as not to alert the council of his absence.


	7. Lucy Finally Catches on to What the Heck

Chapter Seven-Lucy Finally Catches Onto What the Last Six Chapters Have Been About

"Come on, Ed. It's this way, it really is," Lucy urged.

Edmund groaned softly, so she would not hear. She'd been saying that for the past ten minutes, and he was getting the feeling they were not actually going to get anywhere.

They rounded the corner and happened, just happened upon the new battle scene, involving Tony and Andrew, another big buff guy, rolling on the ground, the _Hippsta Faeries_ cheering them on.

"Fight, fight, FIGHT!" they roared.

Edmund put his hands on his hips and scowled. Tony glanced up and his fist froze mid-punch. Andrew's face was spared, for now at least. Tony eyed his nose with regret.

"Your Justness," Tony began. Andrew interrupted him to include, "of Utter and Obvious Amazingness that No One Can Compete With."

King Edmund the Just grunted in acknowledgement.

Lucy popped her head around her brother's Buffness and Masculinity to ask, "So, why was Mr. Beaver hog-tied and bound to a chair, with Mrs. Beaver smashed against the wall? I have really no idea, so if you'd explain a little bit, that would be Most Helpful."

The _Hippsta Faeries_ looked at each other. "Alright," the Leader conceded. "We had the inkling tha' we had an intruder, so we had to capture 'em, see? An' so we went ta capture 'em an' they weren't there. So what could I do? All mah boys were already riled up, an' I couldn't give 'em a fight, see, an' so I had ta give 'em somethin' to do, see, 'cause our aftanoon was kina borin', ta be honest."

Lucy blinked. "So you kidnapped the beavers and held them hostage?" Her face brightened. "Oh, okay. I totally understand where you're coming from." She turned to Edmund. "So, what are you going to do to them?"

Edmund glanced at her, then at the group of oddities in front of him. "Well, I could send all of you Hipster Fairies to the dungeons for kidnapping, but other than that, I don't-"

"It's _Hippsta Faeries_!" the group shouted.

Edmund shrugged. "Whatever. Just stop Being Weird. It's giving me a headache." He turned on his heel and left.

Lucy huffed. "Well, I thought he would do a little more to, you know, put you guys away. But, okay." She smiled. "Who wants punch? I've got Pineapple and Strawberry and Pomegranate and…"


	8. Eustace Really Really Wants an Ugly Swea

Chapter Eight- Eustace Really Really Wants an Ugly Sweater Party, But His Cousins Give him a Resounding No

"Guysguysguysguysguys, yougottalistentome!"

Eustace burst into the throne room.* The council sat up, startled. The royals Barely Flinched. Edmund sighed and asked, in a bored dreary voice, "Yes, Eustace, what is it?"

Eustace flapped wildly and started blabbing wildly. Because Susan took pity on you, she put in spaces and commas where necessary.

"The dead frog told me to have an ugly sweater party or I'll die, and I only saw ugly sweaters and there was an old lady, and there were lots of old lady and Mom dragged me there, and then she dragged me out, and it spoke after we ran over it and I REALLY, REALLY NEED AN UGLY SWEATER PARTY!"

Even with Susan's editing, I'm sorry, it still doesn't make any sense.

Peter frowned. "Aren't you supposed to be locked up in the dungeon right about now?"

Eustace struck a dramatic pose. "No locks can hold me," he proclaimed.

"Ah, huh," Lucy drawled. "Go back."

"But," he protested. "I really need an ugly sweater party, or I'll die."

Edmund nodded. "Okay. So, why would we care? We're in the middle of Our Own StoryLine here; No Distractions Are Permitted."

Eustace's arms fell to his side. "So, I can't have an ugly sweater party?"

His cousins looked at him. "Are you Serious? We basically said no, but, because you're our cousin, we will say it again.

"NO."

Eustace drooped. "Okay. I guess I'll Just Die. And no one will care."

"That's pretty much it," Peter concluded.

Eustace left.

· The reason Eustace is there is because Lucy was bored, so she reached through time and space and yanked him into the Golden Age. Her siblings were unfazed by the kidnapping.


	9. Jadis, I Mean the White Witch, Returns a

Chapter Nine- Jadis, I Mean the White Witch, Returns as a Hamster, I Mean a Bunny

Unbeknownst to Lucy, when she had pulled Eustace into Narnia, he was at the Pet Shop for no apparent reason, and was holding a hamster. The rodent was whisked back with him, and had escaped his clutch, only to find itself On The Menu.

Lucy, however, was such a bad cook, that when encountering the hamster, she cocked her head, wondering if she was to slice or cube it. Fool! All the Royal Cooks were silently cursing her naivety. You mince or dice it. Get out of our kitchen!

Needless to say, it escaped in her hesitation.

As it traveled along the tops of the portraits in the Grand hall that was Only Used For Skating Practice, it thought to itself, 'you know? I think I'll randomly turn into a bunny, for Old Time's Sake.'

It proceeded to do so, Scaring the Living Day-Lights out of a nearby maid.

Lucy, being So Very Bored with Life In General, took a tour through the castle for the eighth time that day, as dragging Eustace back to his cell was Not Nearly Fun Enough.

As she passed the shrieking maid, she caught sight of the brown figure perched in the poor woman's bun. She reached over and lifted it out of the hair-do.

She gladly bounced back to the throne room, and presented Susan with the furry, nose-twitching character who had not previously been on the Minor Char. List.

"And who is this new development?" Susan cooed, rubbing noses with the thing.

Peter groaned. "Not again. Susan, put the rabbit down."

Susan chuckled. "No."

The bunny, which was tired of Susan's man-handling, gave a sharp squeal and exploded.

Into the White Witch.

She smiled coldly and began to walk toward them, only to be knocked to the ground by a huge Persian cat, who sat and licked her paws on the Witch's head.


	10. The whole Plot Explodes and Is Never Res

Chapter Ten- The whole Plot Explodes and Is Never Resolved

The White Witch clutched her head and sipped her coffee, hot cocoa, gently blowing across the top.

The four royals were also cautiously sipping their coffee, hot cocoa, and listening with No Real Interest to the Witch's story. They decided that it was So Boring, in fact, that they edited it out, for the audience's sake, of course.

A maid walked over to them, slowly, in fear of getting harassed again by the youngest terror. "Um, sirs? Ma'ams? The, ah, the plot needs to move forward, and, uh, you need to be the ones to move it along." She cringed, waiting for the blow.

Lucy snorted. "The plot can take a long walk off a short pier," she scoffed.

Edmund waved her away. "It is of No Importance To Us," he declared. The maid backed out.

Susan sighed. "Oh, that Poor Audience. What did they do to deserve this poor excuse for writing? Lucy, be a dear and fine them Something Worthwhile to read."

Lucy brightened. "Ooh, ooh! Can I give them a 'Behind the Scenes' featuring Eustace's Ugly Sweater Party?"

Susan sighed. "it won't make any sense to them, and they will probably never read Jasmine's story's again. But, if we can't-"

Lucy squealed. "is that a yes? It's a yes!" She ran out of the room to Get  
>The Film Ready for Utter Mayhem.<p> 


	11. Behind the Scenes

Behind the Scenes-Produced by the Charming and Talented, One-of –a-Kind, Princess of Marshmallows; Lucy! (fade) (pan) (zoom)(Lucy, you don't even know what those mean!)

Eustace stumbled along the uneven cobblestones that led to his mother's old lady friend's house.

"But why do I have to come?" he whined. His mother tugged at him again, releasing his grip on a lamppost.

"Because I don't trust you at house by yourself, that's why. Don't argue."

Eustace frowned. "But, Father's home!"

Alberta grimaced. "He's not much of a babysitter, especially when the telly's on." She gritted her teeth. "Now, let's not be late."

Eustace groaned.

(Yes, I do! They're stage directions!)

They arrived at the residence of Amelia Boggs at precisely a quarter past 2 'o clock that bright Saturday afternoon. Eustace had given up resisting and proceeded to follow his mother through the door.

Instantly, his nose was clogged with the awful smell of old people. He said so to his mother, who smacked him upside the head for his 'imprudent remark'.

"Be gracious," she hissed sharply, giving a pleasant smile to a hobbling passer-by.

But Eustace did not want to be gracious. He did not want to be there, not in the least bit.

(No, they're not! They're camera directions!)

Eustace was shocked at the number of ugly sweaters the room was crowded with. They were so disturbing, each leering at him that he at last, could not stand it and gave a loud holler before racing outside.

He ran out in the middle of the street and wildly gazed around. His eyes caught sight of a dreadful appearance.

"It's the Ugly Sweaters! I'm cursed!" he yelled, running away from all the horrid, nasty, bulging cat eyes sewn onto the front of the cardigans.

He ran all the way to Mushed Frog Lane. That was the actual name.

He fell to the ground in a dramatic way, gazing into the dead eyes of a disemboweled frog on the ground.

(Same thing!)

He screamed as the frog opened its destroyed mouth and spoke in a Yoda type voice. "Eustace Clarence Scrubb…you…*cough*…you will throw an Ugly Sweater Party or you will DIE. That is all." And it flopped back down.

Eustace's eyes watered in confusion. Luckily, right then, The Awesome and Magical Power of the Marshmallow Princess Lucy yanked him into oblivion, also known as Narnia.

(Not same thing! Susan!)

.


End file.
